“Real Housewives” is a great oxymoron because nothing about them is real.

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Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

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If someone leaves your life, it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world.

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I lied, there’s no sex. Stand over there and tell me if this painting I’m hanging is straight.

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I’m not stubborn, my way is just better than yours.

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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

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Yeah, I can explain that gap on my resume, I tried to move a picture in Word.

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I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

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I feel like I’m in jail when I’m around unfunny people for too long.

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Sometimes I read a text and think, “What a psycho.” And then I press send.

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Adulting is when you realize that all you need is a home, stable income and a peaceful partner.