89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great, what he really means is, “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

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Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door.

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A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble.

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I’ve found that the easiest way to do burpees is to just not do burpees. No pain, no pain.

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Nothing prepared me for how much of my adult life would be spent hiding from people I know at the grocery store.

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I don’t rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope.

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My dad once sneezed so hard that he set every clock back two hours.

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I’ve done literally nothing all day, except feel guilty about doing nothing all day.

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Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

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When my nudes go to the cloud, I always hope God is impressed.

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If you don’t have a favorite spatula yet, you still have some growing up to do.