Beginning of August is always wild because it’s peak summertime, but the veil is so thin, like it’s Halloween. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Having a girlfriend is insane because you can literally text them, and they will respond. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My red flag is that I don’t make playlists on Spotify. I just add every song I’ve ever liked to the ‘Liked Songs’ playlist and shuffle that, like an iPod. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Hey kid, wanna hear a scary story? One day, you will be able to do whatever you want, and you will choose to stay home alone. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I swear some songs have background noises of your mum shouting your name from downstairs. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I think adults need summer vacation. Like, let’s just close down all our jobs for three months and play outside. Please. I’m so tired. Posted onMay 30, 2026
If we date and break up, you gotta unlearn all my lingo and cool shit that I taught you. You gotta go back to being lame. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Asking “how’s the job hunt going?” is a lot like asking “did you come?” I promise you, you’d hear if there was any success. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I don’t think people are actually getting any dumber. I think stupid people have just become way more confident. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You’re over 35. Better go pee before you leave, pee when you get there, pee while you’re there, and pee before you leave. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I bet the guy who named the sperm whale wasn’t allowed to name things anymore after that. Posted onMay 30, 2026
ADHD is: being pretty good at basically anything you want to be, and absolutely terrible at anything you need to do to live. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I don’t know what millennial needs to hear this, but throw away the box your phone came in. You don’t need it. You will never need it. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Can’t say “I’m tired” without my mom making it a competition of who is the most tired and who has more reason to be. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I love how we didn’t raise the minimum wage because it would make food more expensive, but then just made the food more expensive anyway. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Cheating on an exam by memorizing all the content beforehand so I can easily answer the questions. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Coolest part about starting a new job is the immunity to disease you get for 3 months till you get sick days. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Not having to bring my backpack to the last day of elementary school was the last time I truly felt free. Posted onMay 30, 2026
It’s actually scary how your whole life depends on how well you did as a teenager. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I mean, sex is all right, but have you ever experienced the sheer sensuality of having rock-solid proof that a problem at work was someone else’s fault, even though it really, really looked like it was yours? Posted onMay 30, 2026
Why do you always wanna change your life before you fall asleep, then in the morning you wake up like ‘Nah!’ Posted onMay 30, 2026
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now, when she’s mad at me, I just say, “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.” Posted onMay 30, 2026
The best thing about dogs is you can act like something really good just happened, and they’ll instantly start celebrating too. They have no idea what the context is; they’re just always ready to party, no matter what. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Seems like the ‘how to use a fire extinguisher’ video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30-second ad before it. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I was telling my sister that I’ve been going to the gym recently, and my nephew said, “You should go inside when you get there,” and I don’t think I’ll ever recover from that. Posted onMay 30, 2026
There’s literally no law that says you can’t put your friends down as your references and pretend they were your boss at an old job. Literally, there’s no law that says that. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Sometimes I watch people do their jobs, and I’m like, damn, you might benefit from a little imposter syndrome, actually. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My mental health walks make my mental health worse because I live in a shithole. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Horror movies should add bloopers, so after watching the main film, you’ll be able to sleep. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I don’t understand why it isn’t socially acceptable to choose to be nocturnal. The angry hot sky ball is gone, my internet is fast, everyone finally shut up, what’s not to like. Posted onMay 30, 2026
They say white people don’t have their own culture, but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog, and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else. Posted onMay 30, 2026
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day. Posted onMay 30, 2026
If she reads Bukowski, she’s not looking for love. She’s looking for someone who will ruin her creatively. Posted onMay 30, 2026