For a guy with no reflection, Dracula’s eyeliner is always flawless.

92 shares on Instagram this month:

Tattoos: because being an adult is hard, and I deserve to have stickers.

96 shares on Discord this month:

Dating again after you break up with a long-term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again, except with less health.

45 shares on Telegram this month:

I already want to come home from work tomorrow.

40 shares on Pinterest this month:

Jesus died for your sins. If you don’t sin then he died for nothing!

85 shares on Instagram this month:

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s only attempted murder.

94 shares on Snapchat this month:

I think social media is marvellous. You type your thoughts into it, and then insane people let you know if they like them or not.

58 shares on Pinterest this month:

I assume my soulmate has sold his soul to the devil.

45 shares on Messenger this month:

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of a T-Rex.

100 shares on Twitch this month:

I can’t wait to open my phone tomorrow and find out what we’re mad about next.

55 shares on Messenger this month:

I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.