459 funny family quotes - Page 9 - Wordgag

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best minute of my day.

May 22, 2026

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you.

May 22, 2026

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

May 22, 2026

I feel like a wildlife photographer when I spend hours trying to capture my teenager’s smile.

May 22, 2026

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of a lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with.

May 22, 2026

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

May 22, 2026

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

May 22, 2026

If you’re partying with your cousin and you’re asked if you’re related, “Our parents are siblings” will cause a lot of confusion.

May 22, 2026

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when I say it’s bed time.

May 22, 2026

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

May 22, 2026

I want a small, tasteful wedding. No family. No friends. No groom. Just me eating a big cake.

May 22, 2026

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

May 22, 2026

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families. Do their families get a say in this?

May 22, 2026

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

May 22, 2026

My ideal vacation would be to drop my family off at the airport and then have a week of peace and quiet.

May 22, 2026

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor. The bad news: They will only do it when you’re wrong.

May 22, 2026

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

May 22, 2026

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

May 22, 2026

Sisters are so important. How else would my mom find out all the stuff I didn’t want her to know.

May 22, 2026

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs.

May 22, 2026

It’s amazing, when it’s your birthday you really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries.

May 22, 2026

Yes, hello, I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth, please.

May 21, 2026

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen.

May 21, 2026

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her.

May 21, 2026

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon.

May 21, 2026

Nobody victim blames more than my oldest son when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother.

May 21, 2026

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

May 21, 2026

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

May 21, 2026

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

May 21, 2026

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door and say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

May 21, 2026

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation.

May 21, 2026

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

May 21, 2026

Both my wife and my doctor said no more jumping on the bed. But they don’t get it. They don’t know what it’s like to live with the Monkey Instinct.

May 21, 2026

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating all the sweets myself.

May 21, 2026

Animals are so crazy because, why is your mom only one year older than you?

May 21, 2026

My mother still has some really ugly things from the 90s. My older brother, for example.

May 21, 2026

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

May 21, 2026

The most annoying child in our house is that of my mother-in-law.

May 21, 2026

“So if I had kids, my kids would never…” Spoiler: Yes, they would.

May 21, 2026

Please no requests for a threesome. If I want to disappoint two people at the same time, I’ll visit my parents.

May 21, 2026