Funny quotes Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Random funny quotes to crack you up. 😎✌️

He was clicking his pen 137 times a minute, Your Honor.

3 months ago

The secret to a clean home? Never let your husband or children in.

3 months ago

I thought you are the sunshine of my life, but you are just a meteor trying to destroy my world.

3 months ago

Sometimes I wish I could turn down the volume on certain people.

3 weeks ago

Hi, where do you meet someone without dating apps and if you never leave your apartment? I need tips, please. Urgently!

3 months ago

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies.

3 months ago

My watch battery is fully charged. So I got some time.

3 months ago

Why do guys named Timothy go by Tim when they could go by Moth?

3 months ago

I’d be less aggressive in the morning if I could drive to work in a tank.

3 months ago

You now have the chance to be the first person to send me nudes.

3 months ago

Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life. It’s science.

3 months ago

Learning to be Alpha from YouTube.

3 months ago

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

3 months ago

My boss doesn’t want dogs in the office. But he didn’t say anything about alpacas.

3 months ago

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

3 months ago

Boy, are you a piñata? Because I have an overwhelming urge to beat you with a stick.

3 months ago

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

3 months ago

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire.

3 months ago

Get in loser, we’re going overthinking.

3 months ago

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

3 months ago

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

3 months ago

Some people are so fake, their lock screens don’t recognize them.

3 months ago

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next.

3 months ago

Hey, I noticed you’re not saying what I want.

3 months ago

Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.

3 months ago

Me at a nightclub: Where are the chairs?

3 months ago

Thoughts more intrusive than a 90s sitcom neighbor.

6 days ago

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse.

3 months ago

Gonna start an app for cat sitters where they can review the cats they take care of and it’ll be called Litterboxd.

3 months ago

Tried Adderall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing.

3 months ago