Commentary:
"When you gotta pretend you're a 'normal' human for 60 days… 🤪🚀 #OscarWorthyPerformance"
Tag Archives: 5673 Funny i quotes
I do block people right away; you’re not going to stress me out on my own phone, with my own internet, and in my own house.
Commentary:
"😂👌 'Not today, stress!' This phone's a drama-free zone! 📵🏡📶"
At my age, getting up early just means that I had to go pee, and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Commentary:
"Rise and shine… or should I say ‘flush and dash’? 😂🚽☀️"
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Commentary:
"Now I'm over here like 'Nap time is the best time!' Adulting really flipped the script. 😂🛌😴"
I hope you all get laid soon, for your own mental health.
Commentary:
"Sending positive vibes and bed sheets for everyone's well-being! 😜🛌 #MentalHealthMatters"
People who don’t admit their mistakes disgust me. I would absolutely admit to a mistake if I had ever made one.
Commentary:
"Admitting mistakes is for amateurs! I'm only professionally flawless 😜🦄✨ #PerfectlyImperfect"
When I’m behind a slow car, I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see that it isn’t my fault.
Commentary:
"Just doing my civic duty as a professional 'not-my-fault' driver! 🚗💨⬇️ #BlameTheSnail"
I have two dogs: one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Commentary:
"Sounds like your household has a woof-tastic sound system! 🎶🐾😂"
Landlord: I’m raising your rent. Me: Am I getting a bigger house?
Commentary:
🏠💰 "Landlord: I’m raising your rent.
Me: Cool, so is the house getting taller, wider, or just more sarcastic?" 😂🔑
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Commentary:
"When finding the remote needs military precision. Everyone, prepare for 'Operation Sofa Search'! 🛋️🔍🤣"