253 funny man quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

Weddings should have a worst man.

May 23, 2026

Behind every funny man is a woman who rolls her eyes.

May 23, 2026

I think Cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn’t recognize her without makeup.

May 23, 2026

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

May 23, 2026

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

May 23, 2026

If the man is silent, he is a thinker. If the woman is silent, the thinker is in big trouble.

May 22, 2026

The inventor of archery: Man, I really wanna stab that guy over there.

May 22, 2026

Women always want to marry intelligent men. What they don’t know: Intelligent men don’t want to marry.

May 22, 2026

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you don’t know the man and he doesn’t know you’re eating his popcorn.

May 22, 2026

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

May 22, 2026

When I say I like when older men tell me what to do, I am talking about Yoda and his teachings.

May 22, 2026

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her.

May 22, 2026

The man who invented autocorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear.

May 22, 2026

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish.

May 22, 2026

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

May 22, 2026

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

May 22, 2026

According to “The Hobbit”, Gollum was once a handsome young man who was robbed of his youth, zest for life and energy by putting on a ring. Men, think about it!

May 22, 2026

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for, detective?”

May 22, 2026

A clever man fills his wife’s closet with so many clothes that no other man can fit in.

May 22, 2026

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Okay, then they should just hug each other.

May 22, 2026

I hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. You have one job. Be a pillow man. You are pillow. Act like one!

May 22, 2026

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

May 22, 2026

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man.

May 22, 2026

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

May 22, 2026

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn. Just go around me, man.

May 22, 2026

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together.

May 22, 2026

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

May 21, 2026

Taylor Swift’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar”, because I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it.

May 21, 2026

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

May 21, 2026

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”. Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is really pissed off about something dream me did.

May 21, 2026

A wise man once said: “Yes, darling. You’re right.”

May 21, 2026

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero feels kinda stupid nowadays. Just launch a Patreon, my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio.

May 21, 2026

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro.

May 21, 2026

Relationship rule: If the woman has told something and the man doesn’t remember, the man hasn’t listened. If the man has told something and the woman doesn’t remember, the man has never told it.

May 21, 2026

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

May 21, 2026

The best proof that fairy tales are fictional is the fact that the prince is always an intelligent and handsome single man.

May 21, 2026

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

May 21, 2026

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

May 21, 2026

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

May 21, 2026

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

May 21, 2026