1023 funny time quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

I admire how time manages to quickly heal wounds but takes forever to remove awkward tan lines.

May 30, 2026

ASAP can also mean as slow as possible.

May 30, 2026

Not sure what’s longer: a microwave minute or watching a video while someone else is holding the phone, insisting it’s hilarious.

May 30, 2026

Avocado toast at a cafe: $10. Avocado toast from Uber Eats: $25. Avocado toast made at home: $550 (my labor is worth $115 a minute).

May 30, 2026

It ain’t easy being America’s sweetheart during these dark times, but someone gotta do it!

May 30, 2026

Welcome to your 40s. A random back pain will be assigned to you shortly, and you’ll never know what flares it up every time.

May 30, 2026

I’m sorry I said “Awooga” when you took off your clothes. Do you still want to have sexy time?

May 30, 2026

One of the worst ways to waste your youth is by being insecure.

May 30, 2026

If you ever find yourself as a houseguest for an extended period of time, here is the golden rule for success: invisible by day, charming by night.

May 30, 2026

Who the hell keeps letting it be Monday again?

May 30, 2026

Give yourself time to heal. A couple of decades should do it.

May 30, 2026

Adulting: unlocking life’s mysteries, one therapy session at a time.

May 30, 2026

The reason I stay up late is because I don’t want my free time to end, and tomorrow to start.

May 30, 2026

Dating apps aren’t working, time to start drinking beer and eating hot dogs along the first base line at a baseball game.

May 30, 2026

It’s not a Sunday unless you completely waste it and then feel sad around 8 p.m.

May 30, 2026

What’s it called when you’re super insecure but, at the same time, you can walk into a room full of people and think you’re better than everyone else?

May 30, 2026

Your coworker is not hot; they’re just within 10 feet of you 40 hours a week.

May 30, 2026

Bad news. Right now is as young as you’re going to be.

May 30, 2026

The first time I heard “big naturals,” I thought it referred to major outdoor landmarks such as the Grand Canyon or the Great Barrier Reef.

May 30, 2026

People who get 0-5 likes at max and still tweet all the time… What’s your secret?

May 30, 2026

Waiting until 4:59 p.m. on Fridays to send an email, because any response is Monday’s problem.

May 30, 2026

Can someone please invent 8 hours between 9 p.m. and midnight?

May 30, 2026

Nothing like a grandfather clock to remind you every hour that you’re still awake.

May 30, 2026

Late replies don’t bother me. As long as we’re not in love, or you don’t owe me money, take your time.

May 30, 2026

You can be anything. Be the person who ends meetings early.

May 30, 2026

Every time I leave the house, I’m reminded why sweatpants exist.

May 30, 2026

I feel like you’re allowed to start your day at 4 p.m. if you are pure of heart.

May 30, 2026

Trying to squeeze in more nothingness today, but my schedule is already packed with procrastination!

May 30, 2026

A female will ghost you, and the whole time she is waiting for you to text back again.

May 30, 2026

No revenge, but I hope you stutter every time you try to dirty talk with someone.

May 30, 2026

Why is everybody on LinkedIn thrilled all the time?

May 29, 2026

There was a time when Marilyn Manson was the scariest concept in America.

May 29, 2026

Boyfriends sound cool and all, but unfortunately, I enjoy not talking for days at a time.

May 29, 2026

Sometimes I shower in the dark and pretend I’m in a rainforest on an alien planet.

May 29, 2026

I won’t be doing Dry January, because who was there for me during the happy times and the hard times? Not broccoli.

May 29, 2026

My advice to anyone with a job: be the last one in, the first one out, and do as little as possible while getting maximum pay.

May 29, 2026

Staring at your phone is a great way to miss a few years of your life.

May 29, 2026

The people who “don’t have time” and the people who “always find time” have the same amount of time.

May 29, 2026

I’ve successfully reduced phone time by looking at computer more.

May 29, 2026

As a childless adult, it is my duty to embrace hobbies and pastimes that my peers cannot, as they have sacrificed their free time to maintain the population. I must vibe and chill, and do fun things, in their honor.

May 29, 2026