I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before.

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Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

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Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

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I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

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I can’t even think straight knowing a package got delivered while I’m not home.

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I don’t think I’ve ever made the right amount of pasta.

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I hate when kids scream in public. You don’t have real problems. It should be me screaming.

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I don’t understand, but I also don’t care… so it works out.

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Enjoy the time between diapers!

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Winter. You get up, drink coffee and then it gets dark.

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When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.