If I ask “What’s your zodiac sign?” it’s either because we’re vibing or you’re getting on my nerves.

96 shares on Instagram this month:

I grew up in a kinder, gentler age. We pitied our fools.

98 shares on Messenger this month:

Babies sighing is so funny to me. My dear, the time to sigh has not come.

34 shares on Discord this month:

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

75 shares on Snapchat this month:

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering.

65 shares on Pinterest this month:

If you want to hang out with me, all you have to do is ask, and I’ll say no.

21 shares on Pinterest this month:

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

46 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I’m a comedian. My pronouns are ha/ha.

24 shares on Snapchat this month:

Lowkey terrifying when someone attractive is actually into you, omg.

65 shares on Pinterest this month:

When I said I wanted to be held, I didn’t mean accountable.

56 shares on Messenger this month:

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.