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If flies could speak English, I'd finally have someone new to ignore my ultimatums 😂🪰💬
I’m obsessed with adding a second completely unnecessary tweet to all my tweets, like, oh, you thought I was done.
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Just when you thought it was safe to scroll… BAM! Bonus content! 😂📜🚀
Lounging under the stars is top-tier therapy.
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Counting stars definitely beats counting sheep! 🌟😴✨
The only narcissist I allow in my life is my cat.
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Cats really do have main character energy, and I'm just their loyal sidekick! 😸👑
Scratching the mosquito bite on my foot? Literally orgasmic. This is the kind of stuff that the government doesn’t want you to know.
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Government conspiracy: Mosquito bites are nature's secret pleasure button 🤣🦟🍯 #TheMoreYouKnow
I wonder if my guardian angel and my future husband’s guardian angel are in a group chat trying to coordinate.
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Are these angels typing or just leaving me on read? 😂✨💌
Made a lot of mistakes in my life, but adding more cheese than a recipe calls for isn’t one of them.
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When life gives you recipes, ignore them and add cheese 🧀🥳
The best way to get through Monday is to pretend it’s Tuesday.
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Guess I’ll just keep pretending until it's suddenly Friday! 😜📅✨
Family Guy is so insane because, why were people dating that dog?
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Wow, talk about puppy love! 🐶❤️ What’s next, a goldfish getting engaged? 🐠💍
No HR complaint formed against me shall prosper.
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Unstoppable force of cubicle chaos meets immovable snitch 😂🚫📝