It’s unfortunate that scrubbing the floors on your hands and knees is so much more effective than mopping. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
There is a special place reserved in hell for website designers who disable cut and paste in password fields. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
People who don’t have Twitter are trying to show you stuff you laughed at a month ago. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
It’s important to follow your significant other around the grocery store, not helping, and only hovering like the specter of death. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
Will probably never be loved, but I have to send emails, so I can’t really think about that right now. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
Nothing humbles you faster than rereading something you were proud of yesterday. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
It amazes me how many battles in the first two years of the Civil War were decided by which side woke up the earliest. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
It’s so cold, I’m using Chrome instead of Firefox to read the news on my phone, because I need the ads to warm up my phone and hands. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
Sometimes I shower in the dark and pretend I’m in a rainforest on an alien planet. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
I won’t be doing Dry January, because who was there for me during the happy times and the hard times? Not broccoli. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
My advice to anyone with a job: be the last one in, the first one out, and do as little as possible while getting maximum pay. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
What’s y’all’s favorite burner on your stove? Mine is front left. That’s my boy. That’s my big dawg. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
The hardest part of corporate life is pretending to care about things that don’t matter. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
If you break up with the same person enough times, you eventually get married. Never give up. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
I was born in the right generation. I love bedrotting and scrolling through Twitter all day. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
My doctor told me I should try anger management classes, and I’m still really pissed at him about it. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
You’re not really a writer unless you send at least one email a month with a script attachment, saying, “Sorry, read this one instead.” Posted onFeb 3, 2026
I just found out I have to go on dates to get a boyfriend. I’m sick to my stomach. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
The people who “don’t have time” and the people who “always find time” have the same amount of time. Posted onFeb 3, 2026
“There’s a reason religion tells you your reward is after death; it keeps you quiet while you’re being exploited alive.” Posted onFeb 3, 2026