Manipulative birthday text to an ex idea: thank you for loving me briefly in the way that only you could. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You will watch an old classic movie that kind of sucks. Then, on the IMDb trivia, it says, this was the first time a film director ever pointed the camera at the sun. Posted onMay 30, 2026
The older I get, the easier it is for me to look at a situation and say: “Yeahhh, I’m out.” Posted onMay 30, 2026
Sober in a taxi: Please. Stop talking to me. Drunk in a taxi: … And that, Mick, is why I’m emotionally unavailable, I suppose. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You’ll pay good money to hear a comedian say something offensive, but when I say it for free, I’m the bad guy. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I need a new hobby that costs zero dollars and takes up 100% of my free time. So far, all I’ve come up with is mowing the lawn. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Something very chic about crying while driving… have to keep it a little classy so you don’t crash… other drivers unaware a diva is down in the next lane over… Posted onMay 30, 2026
If you’re thinking of becoming a parent, just imagine working 6,570 days straight without a day off. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You get your hands on a real serious pair of scissors and wonder what the hell they were doing with the regular ones. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’m one group chat away from vanishing into the woods to befriend forest creatures. Posted onMay 30, 2026
If you get bitten by a snake and you’re not sure if it was poisonous, simply wait to see if you die or not. That should give you your answer. Posted onMay 30, 2026
“I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.” Posted onMay 30, 2026
People see me spending money and think I’m rich. No, bro, I’m just irresponsible. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Cats are the best authoritarians. You will do their bidding, and you will like it. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Sometimes I think the subway rat is doing better than me. He has a routine, a social circle, and knows where to find the best pizza. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Tired of looking at a bad screen. Can’t wait to get home and look at a good screen. Posted onMay 30, 2026
No matter how sad you are, there is some form of potato that can make it better. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Being liked at work comes with so many perks, you could be late as hell, and everyone is just happy to see you. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Nothing like a meteor shower to remind you that burning out can still be breathtaking. Posted onMay 30, 2026
There’s no reason my stomach should be growling, I just gave it some iced coffee. Posted onMay 30, 2026