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Someone from 🇳🇱 has viewed:

Boss: Why do I have to always come and find you? Me: Because a good employee is hard to find.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has copied:

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

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Good morning only to those who duel at dawn, drink at dusk, and haunt their lovers in between.

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Shut up brain, I wasn’t even talking to me.

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Seems like being an asshole is a full-time job for some.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has shared:

No, babe, I love your prefrontal cortex. The fully developed ones scare me.

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Anyone who deals with customers on a professional basis should be allowed to hand out one face slap per day.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has bookmarked:

I’ve finally found out what chronology is. And it’s about time.

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Don’t tell me that everything was better in the past. I was there.

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Say what you want about online meetings, but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

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Spotted on Instagram:

I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.

Just landed via YouTube:

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding ‘experts say’ at the beginning.

Just landed via Twitch:

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

Just shared via YouTube:

All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word.

Freshly posted on Discord:

We all just kind of accept it as normal that we have a meat tentacle living inside of our mouth.

Spreading quickly via Facebook:

If I were God, I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Just shared via Pinterest:

I get sad whenever they’re mean to Zoidberg in Futurama.

Trending via Snapchat:

Being single is so crazy. What do you mean there’s No One?

Spotted on Discord:

People always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. Whenever I do that, my Uber driver yells at me.

Trending via Threads:

May life treat you exactly the same way you treat servers, store clerks, senior citizens, children, and animals.

The sluttiest thing a man can do is have an ethical dilemma over his lust for you.

5 days ago

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Talk about a 50 shades of grey matter situation 😂🧠❤️

attraction, dating, dilemma, ethics, flirtation, humor, humor quote, lust, man, morality, over, relationships, romantic, romantic dilemma, thing

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Someone from 🇻🇨 has shared:

I’m slowly becoming an adult. Please make it stop.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has viewed:

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has viewed:

Calling ahead to the cafe to warn them to “get those beans brewing”.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has viewed:

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis, you’re just awake.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has shared:

Gay? We don’t use that word anymore. Person of rainbow.

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I’m not worried about WWIII. I’ve been feeding a crow army for three years.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has downloaded:

I assume my soulmate has sold his soul to the devil.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has bookmarked:

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has bookmarked:

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has copied:

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Pinterest:

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”. I cancelled my therapy for nothing.

Reported on Messenger:

If you start liking someone, just block them. Follow me for more relationship advice.

Just shared via Slack:

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

Shared recently on Slack:

If the universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Going viral on Twitch:

If cats could send Christmas cards, they wouldn’t.

Freshly posted on Threads:

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

Spotted on Reddit:

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects.

Reported on YouTube:

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier.

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The sluttiest thing a man can do is have an ethical dilemma over his lust for you.

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After you do your laundry, you should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. No charge.

Coffee ain’t gonna cut it today, I need to be chased through the woods by a machete-wielding maniac.

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at night.

Be the reason why a count unleashes ancient horrors onto the world when he thinks of you.

Hopefully it won’t be as bad as it already is.

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I already know how it will end. One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit.

I’ll find a cell mate before I’ll ever find a soulmate.

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

People who shower at night are bold enough to assume tomorrow’s even happening.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Dating for love isn’t working. Now I’m dating to conduct psychological experiments and collect data.

Sorry for bouncing my leg. I’m not allowed to bash my head into the walls anymore.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said, “Let’s do a marathon,” and then we both laughed.

I think God’s next test for me should be, “Can he handle a ridiculous amount of money.”

People who don’t admit their mistakes disgust me. I would absolutely admit to a mistake if I had ever made one.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not exhausted, you’re just awake. Have a nice day.

How dare you? I’m literally the sweetest most rage filled person on earth.

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

I think I may need professional help. A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

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The sluttiest thing a man can do is have an ethical dilemma over his lust for you.

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