Two things I learned yesterday: I’m not too old to sit in a beanbag chair, but I’m too old to get out of one.

21 shares on Threads this month:

Of course your crush is going to leave their spouse for you. That’s how delusions work.

61 shares on Instagram this month:

I’m having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by.

36 shares on Facebook this month:

Public urination isn’t a crime if you do it in your pants.

61 shares on Telegram this month:

Sure, I could get off the couch today, but then what?

31 shares on Instagram this month:

You’ll be watching a series, and they’ll just randomly start playing the best song you’ve ever heard in your life.

35 shares on LinkedIn this month:

This is the fastest December in the history of all December.

37 shares on Snapchat this month:

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

37 shares on Snapchat this month:

Instead of saying “Good morning,” my wife and I go straight into explanations of how badly we each slept.

63 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

72 shares on Reddit this month:

Now that the nights are getting cooler again, spiders often hide in your bed in search of warmth. Sleep well!