All I’m saying is that big burgers should be wider not taller.

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I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

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Europeans read a lot because their television shows suck.

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Getting paid 26 times in 365 days is not my destiny.

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Every morning I regret why I didn’t sleep earlier the night before.

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Some days you’re the bat, some days you’re the ball.

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If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

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I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.

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“Huh” is 94% of my vocabulary.

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Bacon should be free for anyone having a bad day.

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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?