At my size, I’d be called Buffet the Vampire Slayer.

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Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails, they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs.

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Ask your doctor if it’s right for you to eat oranges and pretend they’re planets and you’re a Greek god.

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Babysitting a pair of twin babies right now and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane”. I don’t know, just feels weird.

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Sex is cool but have you ever had a king size bed all to yourself.

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It always takes me an hour to get ready. 45 minutes for doing nothing and 15 hectic minutes for the rest.

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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about a kid that heals two men that were savagely beaten.

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The 5 seconds in the morning, when I don’t yet know who I am, is the best time of the day.

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It’s scary when the washing machine spins really fast.

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They’re called grown-ups because they groan every time they get up.

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I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and then wake up beautiful.