Dance like China isn’t watching.

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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

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Gonorrhea would’ve been a great name for diarrhea medicine.

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My cat, who has no job and pays no rent, is apparently unhappy with his fancy new cat food, and I, for some reason, am currently on my way back to the store to rectify the matter.

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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

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Nothing bores me like twins who don’t look alike, you should’ve just dropped later if you’re not going to participate.

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Nobody’s more stubborn than an Android person that won’t switch to iPhone.

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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time, so it’s more of a surprise.

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Having a Bible verse in your bio doesn’t make you a good person.

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The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

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Want to know what someone is really like? Play Monopoly with them.