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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇶🇦 has copied:

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has bookmarked:

What’s the point of having sex dreams if you always wake up just when it’s getting down to business?

Someone from 🇲🇼 has shared:

I bet oiling and wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil feels so good for the potato.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has viewed:

Nutrition labels should include an “What if I ate the whole thing” section.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has bookmarked:

Tequila won’t fix your life, but it’s worth a shot.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has bookmarked:

Asking doctors about nutrition is like asking software engineers about printers, they really have no idea.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has bookmarked:

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently, I’ve got too many windows open.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has copied:

Your phone is a casino designed to steal your time.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has copied:

My plans for today? Same as always, drink coffee and be sexy.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has downloaded:

Let the example of my fluke success guide nearly all of you to crushing disappointment.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

234 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,503

Funny Quotes Topics

17,569

Funny Quotes Images

15,503

Updated

Jan 6, 2026

Users Online

3,453

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Telegram:

Do married people watch Gen Z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam?

Spotted on X:

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just water.

Trending via Instagram:

Eating healthy requires a second job.

Spotted on Messenger:

“How am I supposed to avoid Al when I’ve procrastinated on a paper?” With a night full of caffeine and nicotine like your forefathers, you babies.

Just landed via Facebook:

My hobbies include using the TV as background noise while I scroll on my phone.

Spotted on Instagram:

Cloud 9 is a very high place to fall from.

Just landed via Messenger:

You cannot go outside for a year or two. Come back, and the same people still be outside in the same places.

Shared recently on Threads:

Dating someone from Twitter is like choosing your spouse from a mental hospital.

Just shared via Threads:

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness.

Does anyone know where I can get my shit together?

2 months ago

Download image ↓

Commentary:
"Looking for the lost and found department for 'shit together' items 🤔💩 #LifeGoals #HelpWanted"

advice, chaos, help, humor, i, know, life, organization, shit, struggle, together, where

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

‘Another bombshell has entered the villa!’ I say to myself as I walk in the front door of my own home.

0

2 months ago

another, casual, domestic, domestic life, door, front, home, humor, humorist, i, irony, life, myself, own, say, self-awareness, surprise, unexpected, walk
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

0

2 months ago

bad, bad memory, happiness, humor, key, memory, optimism, perspective
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient.

0

2 months ago

cat, expression, food, humor, ingredient, looking, me, pet, quit, relationship
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

0

2 months ago

around, Craigslist, dark, dark humor, everyone, humor, internet, joke, marketplace, murder, online, online marketplace, over, safety, still
When I was a kid, there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

0

2 months ago

back, cause, childhood, die, discipline, family, humor, i, kid, natural, natural cause, parents, talking, talking back
Stop making eye contact with me, I can’t afford a wedding right now.

0

2 months ago

afford, commitment, contact, eye, eye contact, humor, i, making, me, money, panic, relationship, right, stop, wedding

New Funny Quotes

🎲 Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Social Media Stars ⭐

91 shares on X this month:

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar, you can make three more granola bars.

41 shares on Messenger this month:

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

40 shares on Discord this month:

Warning: not watching the news may lead to a heightened sense of joy, security, and optimism.

67 shares on Messenger this month:

Anybody else not stopped farting this evening? Asking for a friend.

19 shares on X this month:

In the American Bible, Eve was made from part of a McRib.

71 shares on Discord this month:

Glory hole but for forehead kisses.

22 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Getting stoned when you have a cat is awesome because it will just walk in and I’m immediately cracking up. Like, look at this dude, I bloody love this guy.

48 shares on Messenger this month:

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

34 shares on X this month:

Unfortunately, I wasn’t built for casual dating, I’m only built for intense soul crushing love at first sight.

75 shares on Facebook this month:

Getting sent money you didn’t ask for is very sexy.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇷 has downloaded:

We all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last donut.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has viewed:

Why does the dentist have to take an x-ray of my teeth? They right there, bro!

Someone from 🇶🇦 has downloaded:

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? The one that I use every single day? And the location is my house, you say? Thank you so much for warning me. I will contact Interpol.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has copied:

One of the great joys in this life is looking at your pet’s weird little teeth.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has downloaded:

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do when I sing, “Someday My Prince Will Come,” while I’m cleaning.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has downloaded:

Let’s all be grateful for a moment that stupidity is not contagious.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has downloaded:

Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has bookmarked:

Standing like a flamingo at my kitchen counter eating watermelon is such a vibe.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has viewed:

Waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has downloaded:

Tech enthusiasts: My entire house is smart. Tech workers: The only piece of technology in my house is a printer, and I keep a gun next to it so I can shoot it if it makes a noise I don’t recognize.

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on Pinterest:

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Spreading quickly via Messenger:

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

Shared recently on Threads:

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

Trending via TikTok:

Mercury is no longer in retrograde, so never trust a cow because the sun can’t swim.

Going bananas on Messenger:

I am cassette tape years old.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

I just feel like we shouldn’t have a new year until we get this one right.

Seen just now on X:

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

Spotted on WeChat:

I am both dumber and smarter than you think. Do not estimate me.

Seen just now on Messenger:

So, if you are too tired to speak, sit next to me, because I am fluent in silence.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Does anyone know where I can get my shit together?

Related Funny Posts 🤝

‘Another bombshell has entered the villa!’ I say to myself as I walk in the front door of my own home.

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient.

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

When I was a kid, there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Stop making eye contact with me, I can’t afford a wedding right now.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨