Every time I do something stupid, my dad stares at my mom like he wants a refund.

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Sometimes I want to sleep, but my brain decides to do a little tap dance through every mistake I’ve ever made, instead.

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I’m at the age where the first thing I do when I get somewhere is look for a place to sit.

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Gnocchi: The small, chubby children of spaghetti and potatoes.

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Accidentally manifested an emotionally intelligent man that is hot and can cook. We’re currently staring at each other.

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The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

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Isn’t it weird we have a little voice in our head, like the one you’re using to read this?

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I wish I was a moose. No work, no school, just eating grass and wrecking cars.

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Every girl’s personal hell is being too excited about their birthday and it ends up being the worst day ever.

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I could have been the favorite mistress of the Sun King at Versailles, but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism.

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On today’s family vacation agenda: my parents read the internet out loud.