Commentary:
Taking detours through my living room traffic jam again! 🚗🛋️🛑
310 Funny getting quotes
My biggest motivation for getting out of bed in the morning is knowing that I’ll eventually be able to get back in it.
Commentary:
Rise and shine, only to recline! 😴☀️
I hope my parents feel proud. They scared me so bad about getting pregnant as a teenager that now they’re never getting grandkids.
Commentary:
Looks like their plan worked a little too well! 😅🙈🎉
Everybody boo’d up, and I’m getting treated like celery on a hot wing plate.
Commentary:
Currently feeling like the celery's sidekick on a wing night! 🥬😅 #ForeverSingleSideDish
I think one of my biggest hangups in getting better at Spanish is that speaking with the correct accent makes me feel racist.
Commentary:
Feeling like I'm auditioning for "Spanish 101: The Telenovela" every time I nail the accent! 🎭😂 #AllInThePronunciation
Dissecting an alien and getting bitterly jealous at their crazy organs.
Commentary:
Feeling green with envy over that Martian's six-pack liver! 👽🛸😂
Shooting a gun in the air to get everyone’s attention, then immediately getting shy and sheepishly twisting my shoe in the dirt and blinking bashfully.
Commentary:
When you want to be the center of attention but end up just toe-tally embarrassed instead 🎯😅👟
The best part of getting older? I can wake up on my day off, without an alarm, at the same time my alarm would go off.
Commentary:
Getting older means I've unlocked the superpower of being an alarm clock, even on weekends 🤦♂️⏰😂
Getting a wife is very powerful, because you get a personal psychic that will tell you things like, “Your keys are in the gray pants in the hamper,” and “He will ultimately betray you.”
Commentary:
Wives: Master keys to the universe and ultimate plot twist forecasters! 🔮🔑😂
Guess I’ll be getting the same thing for Christmas, again. Fat!
Commentary:
Another round of cookies, please! It's what Santa would want! 🍪🎅🎄