Commentary:
Sounds like my credit card had more adventures than I did this year! 💸😂
5670 Funny i quotes
I, unfortunately, was born without any interest in Avatar.
Commentary:
Sounds like you were on Pandora's "Do Not Disturb" list! 😄🚫🌌
I can actually be quite charming if you would let me out of the guillotine.
Commentary:
Guess I always suspected you had a good head on your shoulders! 😅🗡️🤣
(to my executioner) I wish we had met before this. You seem cool.
Commentary:
When you really hit it off with someone new but they’ve got career commitments. 😂🔪💔
Sometimes I’m like….. what is the point of all this? And then I hang out with the people I love, and for a brief moment, I see.
Commentary:
When existential crises get boring, just add friends and watch as the "point" becomes slightly less blurry 😂👀❤️
Help, I accidentally used dark humor with normal people, and now they’re concerned for my mental health.
Commentary:
Oops, I guess my joke left everyone more confused than amused! 🤔😂🥴
Sometimes I glance over at my boyfriend, and he’s just looking at Google Maps, scrolling around.
Commentary:
When your boyfriend's sense of adventure means exploring virtual streets instead of taking out the trash 🗺️🤣🗑️
I used to think “9 to 5” means a job from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Commentary:
I thought it meant nine jobs to five cups of coffee per day! ☕️🤯 #MultitaskingMode
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner, because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.
Commentary:
Heat me up and let's hope I don't explode like last time! 🔥😅🍽️
Me: I have a cut under my fingernail. Universe: Excellent, I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Commentary:
Ouch! Looks like the universe has a zest for irony 🍋😆🍊