234 funny little quotes - Page 5 - Wordgag

After you do your laundry, you should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. No charge.

Mar 26, 2026

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up? I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had.

Mar 26, 2026

When I’m president, everyone who listens to techno, house or rap will be allowed to drive a little faster than others.

Mar 26, 2026

There is still plenty of room in my heart, but the bouncer has become a little stricter in recent years.

Mar 26, 2026

Having a daughter is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you’re rich.

Mar 26, 2026

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial. They have free will.

Mar 26, 2026

Soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird.

Mar 26, 2026

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry right now” and I don’t think this little guy knows how donuts work.

Mar 26, 2026

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but I do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so I can hear better.

Mar 26, 2026

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Mar 26, 2026

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too… when I was alive.

Mar 26, 2026

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac!?

Mar 26, 2026

Went for a walk. Very pleasant evening. The squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. That stung a little. I will remember their faces.

Mar 26, 2026

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day.

Mar 26, 2026

Gravestone inscription: “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

Mar 26, 2026

What if they close grocery stores and we have to hunt for our food? I don’t even know where the little gummy bears live.

Mar 26, 2026

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

Mar 26, 2026

The little umbrella is so unnecessary. Like, my drink is already wet, bro.

Mar 26, 2026

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

Mar 26, 2026

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose. When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

Mar 26, 2026

According to a recent study, women who are a little overweight live longer than men who mention it.

Mar 25, 2026

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundreds of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can.

Mar 25, 2026

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together. What could you possibly be plotting? You can’t even get out of the open window.

Mar 25, 2026

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Mar 25, 2026

The concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. Here’s our little murder doodler.

Mar 25, 2026

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there.

Mar 25, 2026

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn.

Mar 25, 2026

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do you really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to work for you? No. It was to ride a pony on a funky space rainbow. Grow up.

Mar 25, 2026

Why do I gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship.

Mar 25, 2026

I threw a ball for my dog. May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

Mar 25, 2026

Only after moving in together do you realize your girlfriend’s little quirks. Mine, for example, stores vegetables in the beer compartment.

Mar 25, 2026

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Mar 25, 2026

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

Mar 25, 2026

It’s a little ironic when you consider that the Internet was invented to save time.

Mar 25, 2026

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults. Write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong.

Mar 25, 2026

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

Mar 25, 2026

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

Mar 25, 2026

Nobody victim blames more than my oldest son when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother.

Mar 25, 2026

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

Mar 24, 2026

I did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. WTF, people?

Mar 24, 2026