Commentary:
Trying to find the vocals in a Pink Floyd track is like waiting for a kettle to boil—eventually, you'll get the tea 🍵🎸🎶
237 Funny little quotes
Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I would be fraught with melancholy and nostalgia.
Commentary:
That kid thinking about the good old days of nap time and snack breaks 😂🍪🍼
Lack of sex really gets you mad at every little thing for no reason.
Commentary:
When you're arguing with your toaster because it dared to burn your toast… 🍞🔥😡
It seems a little unfair that the people who want to go to bed have to put the people to bed who don’t want to go to bed.
Commentary:
Who knew the ultimate bedtime boss battle would be a tiny human in pajamas? 😂🛌🎉
I put my bathroom scale in the corner, and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
Commentary:
Looks like the scale's grounded until it learns some manners! 🚫⚖️😆
Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He’s from India, and he’s very concerned about my car warranty.
Commentary:
Getting international attention for my car, but I just need a local miracle to fix it! 🚗🔧😂
Everyone loves a little silent treatment on the weekend.
Commentary:
Ah, the sweet sound of silence—it's like a spa day for the ears! 🧖♀️🤫🎧
I’m an adult. I can do whatever I want. And yet, here I am just doing laundry, eating salads, taking antidepressants, flossing my teeth, and going on little walks. Like an IDIOT.
Commentary:
Adulting Level: Expert 🧺🥗🚶♂️ #LivingTheDream #FlossLikeABoss 😄
If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.
Commentary:
Oh yeah, my "job" is definitely a "real" career… so I'm doing just "great" 😂✌️
You will meet a girl who is very strange and a little bit evil. It’s really important that you don’t lose me.
Commentary:
Sounds like the plot of my next reality TV show! 🎬😈📺