435 funny money quotes - Page 9 - Wordgag

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

May 22, 2026

Took a good look at my finances. I won’t make that mistake again.

May 22, 2026

If anyone wants to contact me, from now on I can only be reached via my bank account.

May 21, 2026

Apparently I’m the reason why I never have any money. I am shocked!

May 21, 2026

People think I’m a minimalist, but I’m just broke.

May 21, 2026

Me: “I should treat myself to something.” My bank account: “Dream on.”

May 21, 2026

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for those cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

May 21, 2026

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny, then all of a sudden you know trigonometry.

May 21, 2026

Inflation is actually a good thing, it means money is going viral.

May 21, 2026

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door and say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

May 21, 2026

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

May 21, 2026

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

May 21, 2026

I don’t need to touch grass, I need to touch one million dollars cash.

May 21, 2026

I remember when I was broke… I’m still broke, that’s why I remember so well.

May 21, 2026

I’m saving money on rent by moving into an abandoned cobweb.

May 21, 2026

Hired a financial advisor, and his first piece of advice was that I don’t make nearly enough money to justify paying a financial advisor.

May 21, 2026

I’ve left my past behind me, so if I owe you money, sorry, I’ve left it behind me.

May 21, 2026

Today’s youth will never experience the pain of spending all their pocket money on a music album. Because of ONE good song!

May 21, 2026

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would you believe.

May 21, 2026

Too young to retire, too poor to quit and too fat to strip – so let’s move on.

May 21, 2026

I’ve done the math: If the month had 10 days, I would get by with my money.

May 21, 2026

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons. They just take your money and run.

May 21, 2026

I wonder how much this “Never mind, it’s only 10 bucks” has already cost me?

May 21, 2026

Dentists get rich by staring into your mouth for 30 seconds, playing sinking ships with their assistant, and then telling you to brush better.

May 21, 2026

By the way, if you don’t buy anything on Black Friday, you can save up to 100%.

May 21, 2026

Life begins when you can afford it.

May 21, 2026

I don’t understand how spending more money than I earn is irresponsible. I’m giving more than I take. I’m generous.

May 21, 2026

Why would I spend money on the zoo when I can watch my colleagues for free?

May 21, 2026

Damn, didn’t win the lottery. It’s messing up my budget plan.

May 21, 2026

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

May 21, 2026

I would have loads of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

May 21, 2026

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

May 21, 2026

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at IKEA.

May 21, 2026

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

May 21, 2026

Only thing that can cure my depression is $500 million.

May 21, 2026

“Would you like to check your account balance?” God no. My balance is none of my business.

May 21, 2026

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

May 21, 2026

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

May 20, 2026

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it.

May 20, 2026

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

May 20, 2026