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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇪🇨 has downloaded:

Swimming is so embarrassing, everyone can see you want to be alive.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has viewed:

Still waiting for aliens to abduct me, which feels pretty rude considering I’ve been dressed and ready for years.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has bookmarked:

I think my dog always follows me to the bathroom because I always follow him outside and he thinks that’s the way it works.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has viewed:

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has downloaded:

I want Al to do my laundry and dishes so that I can do art and writing, not for Al to do my art and writing so that I can do my laundry and dishes.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has downloaded:

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has downloaded:

Not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergusting right now.

Someone from 🇵🇼 has bookmarked:

Accidentally said I was on a diet instead of in a calorie deficit, and now everyone knows I’m from the 1900s.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has shared:

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has copied:

The class: “You want us to do what?” Super Mario: “Jump around, catch and eat the giant mushroom, bang your head against the crates and, if necessary, crush all the critters. It’sa easy!”

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,514

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Facebook:

I love coming home and being at home and sitting inside my home and staying home.

Just shared via Reddit:

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

Just landed via Slack:

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it. Every. Single. Time.

Shared recently on Threads:

British people never go downstairs; they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins.

Spotted on Slack:

Halloween is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

Freshly posted on Threads:

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

Spreading quickly via Instagram:

How do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me?

Trending via WhatsApp:

That awkward moment your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your dish in the sink.

Just landed via Facebook:

Can I come over and look at your Hot Wheels collection?

Making waves on Messenger:

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.

88 Funny self-improvement quotes

More funny self-improvement quotes 👇

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

3 weeks ago

everything, humor, positivity, self-acceptance, self-hate, self-improvement, specific, specificity, stop, yourself
I like to push myself out of my comfort zone by sometimes sitting on the other end of my sofa.

3 weeks ago

activity, comfort, comfort zone, end, funny activity, humor, i, limits, myself, push, pushing, pushing limits, relaxation, self-improvement, sitting, sofa, zone
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans. I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

3 weeks ago

canceling, commitment, different, different person, expectations, humor, i, ID, last, person, plans, procrastination, self-improvement, sorry, week
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching TV.

3 weeks ago

clone, cooking, couch, dishes, domestic, domestic tasks, humor, i, laundry, myself, procrastination, self-improvement, sitting, tasks, TV, watching
If caterpillars are able to sleep for a long time and come out prettier, why cant I?

3 weeks ago

beauty, caterpillar, humor, i, patience, prettier, self-improvement, sleep, time, transformation
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

3 weeks ago

going, health, humor, motivation, multivitamin, optimism, self-improvement, success
I need someone to peer pressure me into doing things.

3 weeks ago

activity, doing, fun, fun activity, i, influence, me, motivation, need, peer, peer pressure, pressure, procrastination, self-improvement, social, social influence, someone, things
Doing an hour of self-care after 23 hours of self-destruction.

3 weeks ago

balance, doing, health, hour, hours, humor, irony, mental, mental health, self-care, self-destruction, self-improvement, wellness
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

3 weeks ago

acceptance, body, body image, eat, Eat Pray Love, humor, image, jeans, journey, lifestyle, love, pray, self-improvement
Asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. Asked them the same thing until I got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life.

3 weeks ago

boss, defeat, final, health, humor, i, jokes, life, mental, mental health, same, self-improvement, therapist, therapy, thing, trainwreck

For even more funny self-improvement quotes, hit next 👇

All funny self-improvement quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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Social Media Stars ⭐

59 shares on WhatsApp this month:

April fools prank: replace all the sugar in your house with cocaine.

19 shares on Messenger this month:

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die, just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

62 shares on Facebook this month:

Girl math is avoiding shipping costs by buying more.

16 shares on TikTok this month:

You should get one IG story in addition to your one phone call when you’re arrested.

87 shares on Reddit this month:

Money enters like Beyoncé and exits like Britney.

55 shares on Threads this month:

If I was on Love Island, I wouldn’t be fighting anyone or starting drama. I would just be playing mermaids in the pool the whole time. They’ve got that giant, beautiful pool, and nobody’s using it.

59 shares on Twitch this month:

The earlier you wake up, the more time you have to think about why you wish you were still asleep in bed.

97 shares on Threads this month:

My Mom say that everyone has a beautiful side, so I guess I’m a circle.

92 shares on TikTok this month:

After my death, I’ll be very busy. The list of people to whom I want to appear as a ghost is getting longer every day.

25 shares on Snapchat this month:

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu. And then he has questions. Please send help.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇼🇸 has copied:

I’m surviving motherhood, one teenage meltdown at a time.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has downloaded:

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundreds of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has copied:

I’ve been a main character since birth.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has downloaded:

I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has viewed:

Tired of my landlord depending on my rent. Bro, get a job.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has bookmarked:

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not exhausted, you’re just awake. Have a nice day.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has viewed:

In Russia, the cold complains about you.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has bookmarked:

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

Someone from 🇻🇳 has shared:

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is: don’t do that!

Someone from 🇩🇴 has bookmarked:

I assume people who bookmark my posts are building a case against me.

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on WeChat:

“Made with love,” means I licked the spoon and kept using it.

Seen just now on Pinterest:

I’m not worried about WWIII. I’ve been feeding a crow army for three years.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

I don’t get why banks tie pens with strings. We trust them with money, but they can’t trust us with a single pen.

Just landed via YouTube:

Walking up to any crime scene and whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner, but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

Seen just now on X:

Opening this app is like lighting a cigarette.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

The worst person you know is in therapy right now, being told they need to put themselves first.

Just landed via TikTok:

If there is a God and He “loves” us, then explain snakes.

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

Hello bedtime my old friend, my brain is laughing once again.

Activity Log ✨

88 Funny self-improvement quotes

More funny self-improvement quotes 👇

All funny self-improvement quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Activity Log ✨