118 funny wife quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for Martinis.

May 26, 2026

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

May 25, 2026

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

May 25, 2026

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

May 25, 2026

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

May 25, 2026

My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty. I said because she is a pessimist.

May 25, 2026

My future wife is probably fake laughing at her boyfriend’s lame jokes right now. Be patient, Queen, a true clown is on the way.

May 25, 2026

Threatening my wife with a tariff every time she makes fun of me.

May 25, 2026

My wife bought new towels and they’re different colors, so I know the entire color scheme of my house is about to change.

May 25, 2026

Instead of saying “Good morning,” my wife and I go straight into explanations of how badly we each slept.

May 25, 2026

I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.

May 25, 2026

That’s not my girl bestie, that’s my platonic wife.

May 25, 2026

Waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions.

May 25, 2026

To my beloved wife, I leave my circus and my monkeys.

May 24, 2026

Doctors diagnosed me as your future wife.

May 24, 2026

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

May 24, 2026

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

May 24, 2026

My wife just admitted a mistake. What do I have to do now? What does this mean for my future? Help me!

May 23, 2026

Bro, you’re not allowed anymore to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife.

May 23, 2026

My wife is refusing to bring me a beer. That’s it, gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are”.

May 23, 2026

Hello 911? Yes, my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

May 23, 2026

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

May 23, 2026

At the grocery store, but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

May 23, 2026

Introducing WifeChat™, the app where you talk to your wife.

May 23, 2026

If you were the birthday gift I bought my wife some months ago, where would you be hiding?

May 23, 2026

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa.

May 23, 2026

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like “divorce is strong in this one”.

May 23, 2026

Update on my fitness journey: My wife just handed me a bag of apples at the market and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

May 23, 2026

Just spoke to my wife while the internet was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently.

May 23, 2026

My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

May 22, 2026

Bought a pair of night vision goggles so that I can easily find the fridge at night without waking my wife.

May 22, 2026

Wife asked if I could stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe…

May 22, 2026

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

May 22, 2026

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there.

May 22, 2026

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

May 22, 2026

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her.

May 22, 2026

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

May 22, 2026

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

May 22, 2026

You can count the number of times my wife has agreed with me on one hand, if you don’t have fingers.

May 22, 2026

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

May 22, 2026