I don’t know how to knit, so I made you a tinfoil hat.

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Parents be like “Boys are easier,” and then their daughter has to save the family from ruin.

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Not all angels are in heaven, me for example, I’m at work.

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Nothing makes me feel more powerful than when I write ‘furthermore’ in an email.

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If you’ve never been hit with gay allegations, you’re not fly enough.

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Getting real tired of my own bullshit.

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I changed my alarm clock sound to an applause, it’s the least I deserve for waking up at 7am.

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Life tip: If all of your bathrooms are full and you’re waiting for someone to finish, just turn off the WiFi in the house.