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I love when people say “be yourself,” like I haven’t already been doing that and scaring everyone off.

I love when people say “be yourself,” like I haven’t already been doing that and scaring everyone off.

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Who's ready to see the uncensored sequel of "Being Myself: The Horror Story"? ๐ŸŽฌ๐Ÿ‘ป๐Ÿ˜†

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Valentineโ€™s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it.

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Spending all my money on lottery tickets so Iโ€™ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle.

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Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

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Sisters are so important. How else would my mom find out all the stuff I didnโ€™t want her to know.

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I could have been the favorite mistress of the Sun King at Versailles, but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism.

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Let’s see how long my Monday slump lasts this time. Last week it was until Friday.

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The belief that software engineers are uniquely intelligent has done unimaginable damage on society.

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I’ve been heading in the wrong direction for most of my life, but since the earth is round, I’m just going to stick with it and see it through.