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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇮🇪 has bookmarked:

How are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby?

Someone from 🇰🇷 has viewed:

Having Christmas off in the middle of the work week and then forcing us to go back to work the next day feels so illegal.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has viewed:

What must a pancake think when it’s being flipped? Doubtless something jolly.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has downloaded:

Started from the bottom, now we a little bit above the bottom.

Someone from 🇵🇼 has viewed:

No longer chasing dreams. If they want me, they know where I nap.

Someone from 🇬🇾 has shared:

I am MTV, still played music videos, years old.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has copied:

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill”. If it’s so good, why don’t you pay it?

Someone from 🇯🇵 has downloaded:

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

Someone from 🇳🇪 has viewed:

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids.

Someone from 🇵🇼 has copied:

The T in depression stands for the therapy places that are immediately available.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Jan 31, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on TikTok:

Nothing prepared me for how much of my adult life would be spent hiding from people I know at the grocery store.

Broadcasted on Twitch:

We’ve got a shituation here.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Going bananas on Pinterest:

My mayor is Muslim, my bagels are Jewish, my Dior is Christian.

Going viral on YouTube:

Practicing how I’m gonna explain to the aliens that baseline and Vaseline do not sound the same.

Just landed via Facebook:

I’ll see you in your nightmares.

Freshly posted on Messenger:

If you lift the cat off the couch and it sounds like Velcro, then it didn’t want to leave.

Shared recently on YouTube:

Can’t believe my neighbor rang my doorbell at 3 a.m. last night… Luckily, I was still up playing the drums.

Going viral on Slack:

Authenticity is whispered, but bullshit is broadcasted.

Just shared via Facebook:

“Real Housewives” is a great oxymoron because nothing about them is real.

I need an Apple Watch that tracks when my patience runs out.

2 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous quote about craving an Apple Watch to monitor patience levels.

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Commentary:
When my patience hits zero, it's time for a snack break! 🍏⏰😄

apple, Apple Watch, frustration, humor, i, need, patience, runs, technology, tracking, watch

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72 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Being old is basically trying to figure out what part of the body the noise is coming from, and why.

24 shares on X this month:

In case of a disaster, women and children are being evacuated first so men can think about a solution in peace.

81 shares on TikTok this month:

Bro to bro: Never get your haircut on the day of a special event.

94 shares on Twitch this month:

Donnie Darko was also ahead of its time because the guy’s haunted by a giant Labubu.

33 shares on Telegram this month:

The worst part about being in your 40s is the 10 years of listening to people say, “Wait till you’re 50.”

29 shares on Snapchat this month:

Being the introverted hopeless romantic with a high sex drive is a curse.

58 shares on LinkedIn this month:

He likes when I shakalaka, so, woop, there it is.

76 shares on WeChat this month:

Adult life sucks. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

30 shares on Discord this month:

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

36 shares on Twitch this month:

I just went to Crazy Town, and they said you’re a local legend.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇱🇻 has bookmarked:

I am simply too intelligent to be happy.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has bookmarked:

If boring was a brand, you’d be the ambassador.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has downloaded:

Me waking up: wow, I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has copied:

I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn’t wear deodorant.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has bookmarked:

Hiccups became less popular. I never hear people hiccuping anymore. What’s going on there?

Someone from 🇮🇶 has bookmarked:

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has bookmarked:

My toxic trait is when I’m bored, I start looking for flights to book.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has bookmarked:

“Are you single?” No, I’m in a hallucinationship.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has shared:

Sometimes, u just gotta clean your room and apply an elaborate skincare routine, and pretend that’s equivalent to getting ur life in order.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has bookmarked:

There’s a certain nothing about you.

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on Messenger:

I’m not like other teenagers, I’m 51.

Freshly posted on X:

I will restart the entire song if you talk over my favorite part.

Making waves on Threads:

I know Jesus was a carpenter, but I think he would’ve been a better plumber, you know, with the water thing.

Making waves on YouTube:

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena.

Live now on Facebook:

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb.

Making waves on Discord:

I’m sorry if I seem weird, it’s because I am.

Live now on Slack:

My soulmate is chocolate cake.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

I’m convinced the washing machine is a portal to another dimension for socks.

Live now on Discord:

I’m brave but not “order something different from the restaurant menu” kind of brave.

Live now on X:

What part of “hiii” do you not get? I’m in love with you.

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Activity Log ✨

I need an Apple Watch that tracks when my patience runs out.

No open job postings for “Warrior Poet” found in your area. Please try another search.

One year closer to whatever age my obituary will say.

“But it’s summer,” is going to be my excuse for everything from now until the end of September.

The gothic urge to live in a sleepy seaside town with a terrifying backstory.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I need an Apple Watch that tracks when my patience runs out.

Keep the laugh going 😂

No open job postings for “Warrior Poet” found in your area. Please try another search.

One year closer to whatever age my obituary will say.

“But it’s summer,” is going to be my excuse for everything from now until the end of September.

The gothic urge to live in a sleepy seaside town with a terrifying backstory.

I make sure to post my political opinions after my selfies have gone viral to cull the herd.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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