If you’re a guy and you’re struggling right now, just remember nobody cares, and it does get worse.

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Am simultaneously the family’s black sheep and gold star, and that’s exactly why I’m the way I am.

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If you can’t look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, you are probably still an idiot.

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Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.

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Shutting up is gluten-free. Maybe add that to your diet, princess.

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I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

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That moment when you realize “yeah, this person is never gonna hear from me again” is so crazy.

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You can’t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.