It’s so hot, ice bears are opening lemonade stands.

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I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

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My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

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That annoying moment when you’re texting someone and autocorrect decides to join the conversation.

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Prime numbers are so cunty. Like okay, diva — only divisible by yourself?

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These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do you really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to work for you? No. It was to ride a pony on a funky space rainbow. Grow up.

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Let’s go out for carrots sometime.

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Sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “Hey, only I get to talk to myself that way”.

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Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone.