No we can’t hangout, you’ll end up falling in love with me and I don’t have time for that.

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Can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair. Whatever you say, gorgeous.

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Dropped my skinny boyfriend between the bed and the wall like a vape or a TV remote.

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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

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I asked Tom Hanks for his autograph, but all he wrote was thanks.

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I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

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It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out.

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Guy who normally applauds when the plane lands right before the pilot crashes it: “Boo!”