Unfortunately, I don’t give ugly men a chance, because they wouldn’t give me one if I were the ugly one. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I hate when the lotion bottle pump squirts the hardened remains of its mucus plug into the palm of your hand. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Money saved by using public transport instead of an Uber is paid for with your time and mental health instead. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Married life: Telling your partner the same sentence 7 days in a row, only for him to say, “You definitely never told me that!” Posted onMay 20, 2026
If porn damages your brain, and writing develops your brain, does writing porn even it out? Posted onMay 20, 2026
If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, you’ll get the house to yourself on Saturdays. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Stop asking a clown why he keeps acting like a clown, ask yourself why you keep going to the circus. Posted onMay 20, 2026May 20, 2026
I don’t know much, but I know this: the older you get, the faster the number of things you’re willing to wait in line for approaches zero. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I didn’t get the part of the brain that lets you relax, just the one that overthinks. Posted onMay 20, 2026
My problem is I buy outfits I don’t have shoes for and shoes I don’t have outfits for. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Whoever first said, “It gets to a point,” was definitely at that point, and I feel them deeply. Posted onMay 20, 2026
If I’m ever mad at you, just talk to me in a sweeter and softer tone, and watch how quickly that anger disappears. Posted onMay 20, 2026
There are some websites where my password management strategy is to just hit “Forgot my password” every time I need to log in. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Not gonna lie, toddlers absolutely nailed it with naps, buttered noodles, and rejecting authority. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice? Also shame on you. Stop foolin’ me, I am pure. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I’m not an early bird or a night owl, I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon. Posted onMay 20, 2026
As I get older, I’m understanding why everything needs to be done before 12 p.m. Posted onMay 20, 2026
When life hands me lemons, I put them in the fridge next to the bagged salad I’m also not going to eat. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Being able to tolerate the sound of your own voice in a video is probably the highest form of self-acceptance. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data. Posted onMay 20, 2026
That bourbon chicken from the mall only tastes good on that toothpick. You order it, and it’s not the same, I swear. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I love how women can go from obsessed to not interested at all when a man makes that one wrong move. Posted onMay 20, 2026
I remember when my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? And I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people. Posted onMay 20, 2026
Oh, gross. I didn’t know there was protein in this powder. I was only drinking it for the lead. Posted onMay 20, 2026
A haunted house, but it’s just all apps and websites where you got logged out but can’t remember your password. Posted onMay 20, 2026