I’ve come to the conclusion that my guardian angel is very possessive about me. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Got sent to HR for calling someone a “jellyfish” — just floating around all day, doing absolutely nothing. Posted onMay 19, 2026
So, does anyone know how to end mass religious psychosis, or is it just a thing now until we slowly die off from climate-induced disasters? Posted onMay 19, 2026
You can’t convince me that 2020 didn’t open a portal to hell that we’re still living in. Posted onMay 19, 2026
TVs are like, literally, the only thing that has gotten cheaper as I’ve gotten older. Posted onMay 19, 2026
In the 80s, you could literally shrink your kids with a shrink-ray, and your wife wouldn’t divorce you. I’m pretty sure I saw a documentary film about it. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Being an adult feels like, “If I can just get through this week, I’ll be okay,” but it’s every damn week. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I’m so loyal to my music, I’ll hunt down a song I used to love five years back. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Twitter is basically like a mental institution where everyone thinks they’re the sane one, and everybody else is crazy. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation. Posted onMay 19, 2026
It’s called shitposting, Your Honor. You should try it sometimes; it’s liberating. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Fun fact: the creator of Barbie and the creator of Hot Wheels were husband and wife. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Have you ever been sitting around overthinking about overthinking, and then wonder why you’re even thinking that? Posted onMay 19, 2026
I think everyone should get $500 deposited into their accounts every day, just for waking up. Posted onMay 19, 2026