Commentary:
Wow, you mean your eyes come with the premium upgrade pack? 🕶️✨ Who knew 20/20 vision was the ultimate life hack! 👀😂
I’ve been commissioned to kiss you on the lips. I need to get this done by tonight.
Commentary:
Oops, looks like I forgot to charge my "kiss commission" fee! 😅💋😂
The gap in my resume is because I was trying to reach enlightenment for 5 years.
Commentary:
Achieving "Master of Zen and the Art of Couch Surfing" isn't just a skill, it's a lifestyle 🧘♂️✨🛋️
You’re telling me this moron’s on oxy.
Commentary:
This guy on Oxy got the brain cells on vacation mode 🧠🛌😂
If I was on Love Island, I wouldn’t be fighting anyone or starting drama. I would just be playing mermaids in the pool the whole time. They’ve got that giant, beautiful pool, and nobody’s using it.
Commentary:
🌊🤿 "Forget the drama, I'm just here for synchronized swimming and mermaid auditions. Who's got the glitter tails?" 🧜✨
If you’re soft, don’t come to my house, cause my kids will roast you.
Commentary:
Sounds like your kids skipped the school of hard knocks and went straight to Comedy Central 🏠🔥😂
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.
Commentary:
When letters crashed the number party, math officially became alphabet soup! 🤓🍜
Legend says that when you’re overwhelmed and on the edge of a nervous breakdown, a small child will appear and tell you that you made their sandwich wrong.
Commentary:
Ah, the mythical breakdown cure: a peanut butter critic in disguise! 🥪😅👶
I got a bumper sticker that says, “Honk if you think I’m pretty.” Sometimes I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Commentary:
Why wait for honks? Blast some music and strut your stuff, green light or not! 🚦💃🎶
My mother always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Needless to say, I’m not much of a conversationalist.
Commentary:
Guess I'm fluent in the language of thoughtful silence! 🤐😂