Remember you are dust and, after you send this email, to dust you shall return.

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“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

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Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors.

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Only thing that can cure my depression is $500 million.

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They say every snowflake is different, as if someone actually checked them.

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I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding, but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

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How long does it take for an apple to turn brown after you cut it? Never mind.

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I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and all I find is ingredients.

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People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.