The delivery guy absolutely hates it when I call him my pizza mule.

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I need to eat healthier but donuts exist.

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If someone leaves your life, it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world.

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If my memory gets any worse, I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.

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I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

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McDonald’s is finally promoting good health by making their food unaffordable.

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For Valentine’s Day, I’m gift-wrapping a shirt my husband hasn’t worn in years. It’s the thought that counts—and technically, I thought of it twice.

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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

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Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin. Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

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You don’t scare me, I was married once.