You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

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“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok, why are you helping the devil?

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“You win some. You lose some.” Me, after losing for the millionth time in a row.

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Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

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Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

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When you’re dead, you don’t know that you’re dead. But it’s hard for those around you. It’s the same when you’re stupid.

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At first, big breasts were attractive, then suddenly it was big butts. I’m waiting for it to finally be big bellies.

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Some people aren’t just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.