I hope I find $10,000 on the floor later.

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We’d all look younger if we just avoided young people.

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Occupation: the ugly friend!

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I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

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No one buys my theory that red fire hydrants are filled with ketchup and yellow fire hydrants are filled with mustard.

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Tourists love to think that they are not like other tourists.

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I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has shared:

If you’re doing Dry January, please, please, keep it to yourself. Nobody cares, and you’re probably even more boring without alcohol.

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Has anybody else completely lost it or is it just me and Kanye?

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Stop asking me if I’m tired. Can’t I just be ugly?

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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.