A toddler in their “why” phase makes you realize how little you know.

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My favorite part about summer is when I get to go back inside where it’s air conditioned.

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I come from a family of failed magicians. I have two half sisters.

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Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?”

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My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then do the exact opposite of what I just said.

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All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

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Tolerate the lactose already, you heathen.

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I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce.

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I have a very particular set of useless skills.

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Gimme fuel, gimme fire, gimme casual attire.

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It’s really hard to come back after a poorly executed high five.