My dad must pay my monthly cell phone bill as atonement for his original sin of creating my consciousness. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Ozzy Osbourne has mumbled through entire sentences, and I still understood him better than most of my exes. Posted onMay 30, 2026
If you ever find yourself as a houseguest for an extended period of time, here is the golden rule for success: invisible by day, charming by night. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Mercury retrograde: because adulting is hard, and sometimes you just need a celestial excuse. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Anyone else get excited about going to bed because you know there’ll be coffee in the morning, or is that just me? Posted onMay 30, 2026
Who you are when someone reaches over to take food from your plate… is the real you. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her. Posted onMay 30, 2026
You’re 25, stressing like you’re 40, because you want to be rich before 30, am I right? Posted onMay 30, 2026
I’m done wasting money this summer, unless you guys want to do something this weekend. Posted onMay 30, 2026
All of my fitness goals are within reach, but unfortunately, so are the crisps. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I miss when men had big hair, louder feelings, and leaned over cars to declare their love. Posted onMay 30, 2026
When you split a dessert, the waiter should bring two forks and one of those chess clocks you smack to let the other person know it’s their turn. Posted onMay 30, 2026
The best part about having a crush is when they crush all your hopes and dreams. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My daughter’s new Bluetooth karaoke mic has suddenly and mysteriously disappeared, and we are all just so, so sad that we can’t find it. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Grocery carts should have barcode scanners on them so you can see how much you’re spending as you put things in your cart. Posted onMay 30, 2026
We used to pass notes in class like spies. Folded like origami. Deep like Shakespeare. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Wow, you did such a great job clicking in your little spreadsheets today. Super proud of you. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My kids asked me what games I used to play on my iPad as a kid. I told them I used to speak into a fan to sound like a robot. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Growing up means choosing cozy couch moments over crowded club scenes. Cheers to adulting! Posted onMay 30, 2026
You either die a people pleaser, or live long enough to start leaving texts on read. Posted onMay 30, 2026