The hard part about dating is finding someone who’s mentally ill enough to understand you, but not mentally ill enough to ruin your life. Posted onMay 30, 2026
My favorite pastime is staying up way later than I should and complaining the next day about how tired I am. Posted onMay 30, 2026
The only thing worse than a nightmare is waking up from a great dream before you get to see how it ends. Posted onMay 30, 2026
“I’m going to get more sleep tonight” is always the first lie I tell myself in the morning. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Maturing is when you’d rather drink your bourbon half-naked on the couch than go out. Posted onMay 30, 2026
It doesn’t matter how old you are, when it starts thundering and lightning, you go and sit at the window to watch. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I tried explaining crypto to my nine-year-old, and she said, “It sounds like someone is trying to sell you their imaginary friend.” Posted onMay 30, 2026
Do you ever hang out with someone else’s family, and you’re like, ooooh, so this is what it’s supposed to be like? Posted onMay 30, 2026
Post beach shower is undefeated. Greatest feeling a human could experience. Throw a nap in there, and you will never touch serenity so close. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Airport beer at 6 a.m.? No problem. The airport is a lawless place that is free from judgment. Posted onMay 30, 2026
The reason I stay up late is because I don’t want my free time to end, and tomorrow to start. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Fyi, if you like listening to “rain sounds,” they’re almost all recordings of chicken being fried. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Dating apps aren’t working, time to start drinking beer and eating hot dogs along the first base line at a baseball game. Posted onMay 30, 2026
Eating cold ravioli counts as breakfast if you’re still wearing yesterday’s clothes. Posted onMay 30, 2026
I like my bacon like I like my men, slightly burnt and crispy, and probably killing me slowly. Posted onMay 30, 2026
It’s not a Sunday unless you completely waste it and then feel sad around 8 p.m. Posted onMay 30, 2026