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If she says “you are my world” remember there are other planets. Stay alert, kings!

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Extrovert self made too many plans and now introvert self is pissed.

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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

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Why do men always think โ€œlooking for funโ€ means sex? Wat if I want us to draw?

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Unfollowing high school people really is a form of self-care.

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My favorite part of Spring is its rolls.

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The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

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Have I made bad decisions when I was drunk? Sure. But have the sober ones been any better? Not really.

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Do you ever find yourself just thinkin’ about bread?

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Babymaking music but itโ€™s the Benny Hill theme song.

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Being a people pleaser that no one is pleased with is the main cause of my anxiety.

Being a people pleaser that no one is pleased with is the main cause of my anxiety.

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Trying to please everyone and still failing is my superpower ๐ŸŒŸ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™‚๏ธ #PeoplePleaserProblems ๐Ÿ˜…



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The idea that the zombies in the 28 Days series exist entirely in Britain is genuinely hilarious. The rest of the world saw that and was like, “Yeah, they can handle it on their own.”

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Drugs donโ€™t ruin lives. Drug tests do.

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I got a bumper sticker that says, “Honk if you think I’m pretty.” Sometimes I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.

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I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

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โ€œGreyโ€™s Anatomyโ€ but itโ€™s told entirely through the lens of the hospitalโ€™s HR department.

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Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds.

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Some people are living proof that brain failure does not immediately lead to death.

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If these walls could talk, they would definitely say “Wow, this guy really does add cheese to everything after all!”

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Today’s politics make me think we’re living in a movie where the villains actually win.

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I believe it was Aristotle who once said โ€œThe fastest way to get your kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.โ€

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