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Of course I stay hydrated. Carbohydrated.

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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

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Find someone who looks at you the way I look at a cheeseburger.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has downloaded:

Need a permanent vacuum for unwanted thoughts.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has downloaded:

Striking gold in your 40s: finding a close parking spot that’s in the shade on a hot summer day.

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Sometimes I apologize to my car when I hit a pothole.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has bookmarked:

Moms will vacuum the ceiling, alphabetize the spice rack, reorganize your socks, then say, “No one helps me around here!”

Someone from 🇸🇬 has downloaded:

It should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. Like, I shut it off and back on again, why are you still here?

Someone from 🇳🇵 has downloaded:

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.