Commentary:
Demon: "I've made a grave mistake." Me: "Welcome to the chaos, buddy!" 😈🤷♀️
Tag Archives: 361 Funny ever quotes
My mom be cutting up fruit and bringing it to me in my room without saying nothing. That’s when it hits me, nobody ever gonna love me this much.
Commentary:
When your mom becomes a silent fruit ninja, you know her love slices through everything 🍎🍌🥝❤️
The hottest I ever look is when I’m brushing my teeth in my underwear, but it’s very much a ‘tree falls in the woods’ situation.
Commentary:
Brushing my teeth in my underwear: a glamour event that's totally underappreciated 😂💫🪥
If you ever feel like a failure, just remember, Domino’s tried to open pizza chains in Italy.
Commentary:
Domino's trying to sell pizza in Italy is like bringing sand to the beach 😂🍕🇮🇹
Do you ever find yourself just thinkin’ about bread?
Commentary:
When I'm staring into space, 99% of the time I'm planning my next bread encounter 🍞😄🥖
If you ever find yourself as a houseguest for an extended period of time, here is the golden rule for success: invisible by day, charming by night.
Commentary:
Channeling my inner vampire: sleeping all day, social butterfly by moonlight 🌙🦇🍷
Do you ever hang out with someone else’s family, and you’re like, ooooh, so this is what it’s supposed to be like?
Commentary:
When you visit other families and discover they're just like sitcoms—with less laugh track and more snacks 😄🍿👨👩👧👦
I started at the bottom, and it’s been downhill ever since.
Commentary:
Rolling with style from the basement to the bottom floor! 😂📉⬇️
I don’t need therapy. I need everyone who’s ever wronged me to suddenly feel a chill and not know why.
Commentary:
Suddenly chillier than a penguin's picnic—watch your back! 🐧❄️😜
I found out my wife was cheating on me at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert, and I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day.
Commentary:
When you realize the only good kind of hot chili peppers are the ones you eat, not the band at your wife's secret date night 🌶️🎸😭