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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇲 has copied:

Daylight savings is just a made up holiday to sell more daylight.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has downloaded:

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has copied:

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Someone from 🇲🇲 has bookmarked:

The thing I bought on Etsy in 2017 has shipped.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has bookmarked:

I’m liking your IG photo from 8 days ago because IG just showed me today!

Someone from 🇪🇨 has viewed:

The thing about being 50+ is that whenever an opportunity to pee is available – you’re wise to take it.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has bookmarked:

I don’t need Halloween. I have strange characters around me all year round.

Someone from 🇵🇭 has shared:

I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but it’s time to fold the laundry that’s been lying around since last Sunday.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has bookmarked:

“Your sock has a hole in it!” Yeah, no shit, that’s how I get my foot in there.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has bookmarked:

If you respond to emails and Teams messages quickly, you can get away with basically anything at work.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,677

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on Facebook:

When you see a squirrel, you’re bound to say, “Awww, a squirrel!”

Trending via YouTube:

Sex is cool, but have you ever received reassurance without asking for it?

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Why are plane tickets so expensive? You’re going that way anyway, just give me a ride.

Shared recently on TikTok:

Your honor, if it pleases the court, I brought homemade brownies for everyone.

Making waves on LinkedIn:

I’m the guy at Apple who makes sure all your featured photos are your exes and your dog that died.

Going viral on Snapchat:

“I’m doing better than my parents at my age. They had, like, no followers.”

Spotted on Facebook:

In your 20s, there will be an evil narcissist demon disguised as the man of your dreams. It’s important that you run from that loser before he steals your light.

Making waves on Snapchat:

Your girlfriend needs two hours to get ready. But if you don’t have your shoes on when she’s ready, you’re the problem.

Seen just now on Slack:

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10. Simple meth.

Breaking via Threads:

Two things I learned yesterday: I’m not too old to sit in a beanbag chair, but I’m too old to get out of one.

118 Funny excuse quotes

More funny excuse quotes 👇

No, I can’t tonight. I already have plans to look at my phone somewhere else.

3 weeks ago

else, excuse, humor, i, irony, life, phone, plans, procrastination, social, social life, somewhere, tonight
Can’t, I’m raging against the machine.

3 weeks ago

excuse, humor, machine, procrastination, raging, resistance
Canceled a date for a date with another guy, and that guy canceled. It’s what I deserve.

3 weeks ago

another, bad, bad luck, canceled, cancellation, date, deserve, disappointment, excuse, guy, humor, i, irony, luck, relationship
Sorry, I would love to, but I just made a bunch of rules for myself, and I’m actually not allowed to do that.

3 weeks ago

actually, allowed, boundary, excuse, humor, i, just, love, myself, rule, rules, self-control, sorry
I be outside telling people I don’t got social media when they ask.

3 weeks ago

ask, conversation, excuse, got, honesty, humor, i, interaction, lying, media, outside, people, social, social interaction, social media, telling
“I’ll see” = not coming, never was coming, never even considered it.

3 weeks ago

avoidance, cancel, coming, commitment, even, excuse, excuse phrase, flake, humor, never, no show, phrase, sarcasm, show
“You never reply to messages.” I am just one person, okay? I am understaffed.

3 weeks ago

am, communication, excuse, humor, i, just, message, messages, never, okay, person, reply, texting, understaffed
Not right now. I’m manifesting.

3 weeks ago

excuse, humor, manifesting, mindfulness, motivation, procrastination, right, self-care
When I’m not posting or returning messages, just know that I’m probably out doing superhero shit.

3 weeks ago

doing, excuse, humor, just, know, message, messages, multitasking, posting, returning, shit, superhero
Can someone write me a note to get out of being a responsible adult?

3 weeks ago

adult, being, excuse, humor, me, note, procrastination, responsibility, responsible, someone

For even more funny excuse quotes, hit next 👇

All funny excuse quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Funny Quotes Collections

✨ New Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

98 shares on Telegram this month:

April fools prank: replace all the sugar in your house with cocaine.

27 shares on X this month:

Starting is the hardest part. Unless it’s eating chocolate. Then stopping is the hardest part.

64 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Just eating the emotional support snickers bar in my purse. How about you?

80 shares on Pinterest this month:

The porn bots liking my posts from years ago is just reminding me that I’ve always been hilarious.

51 shares on Pinterest this month:

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

98 shares on Twitch this month:

It’s almost time to pack away the black summer clothes and unpack the black winter clothes.

44 shares on Discord this month:

I walked into a holiday party, saw someone else already playing with the dog, and realized they’d stolen my entire social strategy.

26 shares on Reddit this month:

I’ve watched porn with better writing than Stranger Things.

40 shares on Telegram this month:

This book ain’t got no pictures.

92 shares on Snapchat this month:

Not single, not dating, but a secret third thing (quantum entanglement).

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇯🇴 has shared:

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has viewed:

You call it nagging, I call it ‘listen to what I said the first time!’

Someone from 🇲🇲 has downloaded:

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

Someone from 🇧🇫 has bookmarked:

All I’ve ever wanted is to look good naked, hope that someone can take it.

Someone from 🇸🇱 has bookmarked:

I feel like whoever named them rice cakes has never actually eaten a cake.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has copied:

Autumn at last. Sitting on the sofa all day with a blanket and tea and watching movies. Just like in summer, but with a blanket and tea.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has shared:

Lord, take away my suffering and give it to anyone who’s ever said, ‘Hey, Grok.’

Someone from 🇹🇷 has downloaded:

People say “I would never,” then here they come nevering like they never nevered before.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has bookmarked:

If paying a cashier a living wage will make prices go up, why doesn’t replacing cashiers with self-checkouts make prices go down?

Someone from 🇩🇪 has downloaded:

“You’re under the weather?” We all are, idiot. It’s in the sky.

Social Media Log 💫

Trending via TikTok:

Are you my pinky toe, because I will bang you on all my furniture.

Spotted on Threads:

Worst part of being in my 20’s is to be reminded that I’m actually in my mid-40’s.

Trending via Slack:

I could never be in the mafia, those guys stay up way to late.

Breaking via Instagram:

Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Tuesday, and ruins it for us.

Shared recently on Twitch:

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Spotted on Pinterest:

I found out my wife was cheating on me at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert, and I don’t ever wanna feel like I did that day.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

You don’t know about stupidity until your female friends open up about their love life.

Making waves on WeChat:

Countries are just gangs with paperwork.

Shared recently on Slack:

Love those deep burps that instantly make me feel like I lost 10 lbs.

Live now on LinkedIn:

Did you know that it’s actually possible to say, “I don’t know enough about this to have an opinion”?

Activity Log ✨

118 Funny excuse quotes

More funny excuse quotes 👇

All funny excuse quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨