Gonna start using “with all dude respect”.

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Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone. No plans of escaping.

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I will play my favorite song until the artist comes out of my phone to ask for water.

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Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

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You ever get surprised by your own recurring issues? Like, come on man, I thought we were past this.

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A fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

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I have the bruises of a much more active person.

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When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

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The night is dark and full of terrors. My day is long and full of meetings. Same thing.

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Doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer, it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day.

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Don’t worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday.