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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇨🇴 has shared:

Honey, get in the car. We have to go to the store because we’re retarded, and it’s Christmas Eve.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has downloaded:

Nobody knows my next move. Not even me.

Someone from 🇮🇪 has downloaded:

They should invent a “stay signed in” checkbox that isn’t meaningless.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has copied:

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has shared:

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has viewed:

It’s not too early to go to sleep. Too early only applies to waking up.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has viewed:

Eventually, kids get old enough to see which parent was the problem.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has shared:

The best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello, please fill out these forms!”

Someone from 🇧🇹 has downloaded:

How can I be expected to get out of bed when I don’t want to?

Someone from 🇱🇹 has bookmarked:

Welcome to your 40s, the best part of your day is now the heated seats in your car after a long day.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Freshly posted on Pinterest:

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

Spotted on Pinterest:

I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.

Shared recently on Facebook:

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying. Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

Just shared via Slack:

The more water you drink, the more bathroom breaks, the less you work. Stay hydrated.

Shared recently on Threads:

Can I sell my feelings on ebay, I don’t want them anymore.

Spotted on Reddit:

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch every time I exercise.

Breaking via Slack:

Scared to go on dates, cause what if I find the one and never be able to be single again.

Spotted on Reddit:

I have everything you could possibly ever need in my purse, except for money.

Just shared via TikTok:

I love how you get on Twitter, and all your thoughts are already in someone else’s tweet.

Just shared via Slack:

I swear every time I look up from my phone, it’s a different holiday.

I can show you the stars, we just have to stand up really fast.

12 hours ago

Funny Quotes

Playful quote about stargazing, suggesting quick movement to see the stars.

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Commentary:
Zooming to space without a rocket! 🚀🤯✨

fast, humor, i, joke, just, night, observation, show, sky, stand, standing, star, stars, surprise

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15 shares on Facebook this month:

Once I get my UFO, don’t be asking me for rides.

18 shares on Slack this month:

When I say I love the ocean, I mean I love the surface. Whatever goes on beneath has my respect, but it’s none of my business.

26 shares on Instagram this month:

English is so fake. How can you drink a drink, but you can’t food a food?

43 shares on YouTube this month:

I celebrate 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions.

99 shares on YouTube this month:

The man who invented the Ferris wheel never met the man who invented the merry-go-round. They traveled in different circles.

39 shares on Facebook this month:

You never realize how long a minute is until you’re exercising.

11 shares on LinkedIn this month:

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

83 shares on Slack this month:

Tell your dog I said woof woof.

71 shares on YouTube this month:

Waking up early is always beneficial. You just gotta make it past those first 10 minutes of being irritated.

78 shares on Twitch this month:

I think being a hopeless romantic is giving me brain damage.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇨 has bookmarked:

You will watch an old classic movie that kind of sucks. Then, on the IMDb trivia, it says, this was the first time a film director ever pointed the camera at the sun.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has viewed:

Please respond to the messages I almost sent you.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has downloaded:

None of the Instagram story fonts represent me.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has downloaded:

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous. IKEA Manager: Sir.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has bookmarked:

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep everyone away, whatever their profession.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has viewed:

It’s unbelievable how much work goes into having a mid-physique and a relatively clean house.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has bookmarked:

Why is everyone mean to the kindest people for absolutely no reason?

Someone from 🇰🇮 has downloaded:

Fasted for 72 hours and gained the ability to whisper to bats.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has viewed:

Me at war: You guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

Someone from 🇳🇴 has shared:

Do you ever wish you could just walk away mid-conversation when you’re bored?

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Trending via WeChat:

Turning regret into ulcers since the day I was born.

Making waves on Reddit:

Proudly doing my part to cause the male loneliness epidemic.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

Breaking via X:

My goal for next month is small, simple, and clear: change my whole entire life.

Just shared via Threads:

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well, he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

Job interview: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: Hopefully on a sabbatical.

Just landed via YouTube:

Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey.

Trending via Pinterest:

I went to a mind reader. She almost went mad.

Breaking via WhatsApp:

It’s nice to have a moment to breathe before reality knocks the wind out of you again.

Just landed via Pinterest:

Death doesn’t scare me, but a group of dogs fighting while I’m walking alone on the street does.

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Activity Log ✨

I can show you the stars, we just have to stand up really fast.

I already know how it will end. One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

If you ever find yourself mad at me, put a cape on so you can be super mad.

Who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies?

Pleasing everyone, that’s impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!

I’ve learned the best way to find something that I’ve lost is to buy a replacement one, to make the lost one spontaneously appear.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I can show you the stars, we just have to stand up really fast.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I already know how it will end. One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

If you ever find yourself mad at me, put a cape on so you can be super mad.

Who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies?

Pleasing everyone, that’s impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!

I’ve learned the best way to find something that I’ve lost is to buy a replacement one, to make the lost one spontaneously appear.

I’ve been asked to join a swingers club, but I’m a little nervous. What if I’m not good enough? I haven’t been on a swing since I was 9.

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